Jesus at a K-Pop Concert

BTS Love Yourself Tour 2018 - Newark

Around this time last year, I was sitting at a ramen bar waiting for my takeout order when BTS (popular Korean pop group based in South Korea) started playing in the background. As I looked down at my phone, I discovered a follow request from—now one of my closest friends—Yismely. I silently started freaking out because how crazy was it that she would follow me as BTS was playing at a totally random place that I had never even been to before? Especially when it’s not common to hear K-pop in public. I definitely didn’t know at the time how huge of a role this moment would play in our friendship.

Yismely and I knew of each other through my mom, and we knew we had similar interests (BTS included) and shared a lot of other commonalities. We were living in separate states at the time, so at that point we had just learned of one another’s existence, and social media was our first interaction outside of my mom. We kept in touch over the course of that month and made plans to hang out when I flew home in March. A little over a month later, I flew home for spring break and we met in person for the first time.

TIMEOUT

Before I continue with the story and eventually get to some sort of point, it is important for me to note the state of my emotional well-being at this point. By the time I had flown home for spring break, I had gone from the average feelings of homesickness to “if I don’t go home right now I don’t know if I’ll be able to make it through these next five months.” I hadn’t originally planned to go home until the summer, but I knew it was something my heart really needed. I had just separated from someone who was an important part of my life for several years, and my heart was having a really difficult time keeping up with the demands of life and my responsibilities, and an even harder time going through it alone in another state away from my friends and family. Needless to say, my new friendship with Yismely came just when I needed it, and opened a door to healing.

Okay, back to the story—I’ll give you the highlight reel to keep things brief. I spent a week back home with my friends and family. Yismely and I met up and had a great time eating way too much food in one day, and it was then that she became my unofficial fashion consultant whom I now report to whenever I am unsure about an outfit (you can thank her for my PINK puffy-sleeved, over-sized cardigan that I NEVER would have considered purchasing). Thanks to her, I am now obsessed with varying shades of soft pink and own way too much of it considering I used to state “I don’t like pink” quite frequently.

Side-note aside, for that week, the pain was a little more bearable since my mind was preoccupied and I was surrounded by the people I love. When I returned to Texas, however, I was alone with my thoughts again, alone with the pain, and I really needed Jesus to continue walking through it with me. I had to keep inviting Jesus into my pain and allowing him to sift through it with me in order to reach a place of healing. It was a lengthy and grueling process, but I am not here to traumatize you with the process, I’ve already gotten pretty raw about it several times throughout my blog and on social media. Instead, I am here to tell you how God uses the unlikeliest of things to shed hope in the middle of our pain. I am here to remind you of his grace that shines light and breaks through the wilderness, carrying us through.

TURNING POINT

Sometimes, when we’re in the middle of heartache and painful seasons, we look out for that one moment that changes everything. I wish I could tell you that there is a grand moment when suddenly the pain stops and everything is right again, but I don’t think that’s the way healing works, at least not in this story and probably not in yours either. Sometimes when we think we’re doing okay, the pain resurfaces and threatens to drown out all hope again. Turning points come in small increments. Sometimes a whisper in the middle of your conflicting thoughts, and sometimes through just the tiniest flecks of light glittering the darkness with their promises of hope and of a less-bleak future yet to come.

My flecks of light came in the form of Jesus weeping with me at 3 AM, when the piercing in my heart was so intense that it jolted me awake and all I could do was cry out to him. It came to me through the music that transcended language and spoke so deeply to my soul. Through the weekly FaceTime calls with my new friend/now twin, through the community of lovely ladies at the local church I attended while away from home, and through those who encouraged me and kept me in prayer during that season.

GRACE

Throughout the pain, God’s hand was over me and his grace woven throughout my story. The silly things that matter to me, matter to God. He knew what I would need in this season and he used those things to meet me there in my pain and bring healing. Things like a new friendship, just when I had let go of one of my best friends and all the hopes I had for that relationship. Music that spoke directly to my situation, even though it was mostly in another language (thank you God for translators), and making a way for me to go to the concert when I didn’t think I would be able to afford it.

I know this sounds silly, but yes, a “boy band” from South Korea helped me process my heartache in the midst of a dark season. Some of the themes and messages in their music spoke to my aching heart and revealed some things to me in that season that I really needed to hear and hold on to. I absolutely believe that God can use just about anything and anyone to communicate to us—that’s how good and powerful he is—it’s in His character. Of course, there is no substitution for His word; praying consistently and reading the Bible are how we can most effectively communicate with him, but God is also a personal God and he can use just about anything to capture our attention.

Honestly, when Yismely proposed to me the idea of flying to another state to go see BTS once their tour dates were announced, so many excuses popped into my mind. The first being “how can I justify the cost of this?” After taking into account the ticket price, airfare, lodging, and transportation costs, I didn’t think it was important enough for me travel out of state and spend so much money on. My biggest concern was whether I was allowing my enthusiasm (yeah, we’ll go with that) for this group to become obsessive.

"YOU CAN CALL ME ARTIST, YOU CAN CALL ME IDOL"

In the k-pop industry, artists are referred to as “idols.” In the Bible, an idol is anything that is worshipped or placed above God. I was concerned that I would be allowing my interest to become an idol because I would be pouring time and money (that I really didn’t have) into it and going out of my way to have that experience. I didn’t know what to do and I wanted to make sure that my intentions were in the right place, so I prayed about it and surrendered it to him. My prayer was somewhere along the lines of “God, please forgive me if I’ve allowed this to become an idol in my life. I really don’t want my affections or desires to be greater than my affection and desire for you. If this desire is of you, then please show me how I can honor you through this, and please help me to trust in you to make a way. Help me to be sensitive to your leading and to desire your will over my own even if I don’t know what it is right now.”

I didn’t ask God for the money, I didn’t bargain with him or compile a list of reasons why I should go to that concert. I simply surrendered, and waited. The night before the tickets went on sale, I received my stipend for the month. I was completely in awe. I wasn’t supposed to receive any money until the end of the following week. After nine months of payments, this was the first time I had ever gotten paid so early. My first response was “um…hey, God? Is that you?” I couldn’t fathom it any other way. The next morning, tickets went on sale and sold out minutes after we got ours.

BTS Love Yourself Tour 2018 - Newark

FAVOR

Four months later, we wrapped up our preparations for the trip. I continued offering prayers of surrender to the Lord. I wanted it to be so much more than just a trip to a concert. My constant prayer was “God, where are you in this? How can you be glorified in and through this?” Again, I know this all probably sounds silly. You’re probably taking either one of two stances: “Celina, you’re so silly, just enjoy it,” or “Celina, you’re so ridiculous, stop trying to put God into somewhere he doesn’t belong just to make excuses for yourself.” But after years of making another person my idol to the point where I had to let them go, and being fresh out of that season, I wanted to make sure I was honoring God with the decisions I made. I wanted to live by the wise instruction found in Psalms 37:4-5

“Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act.”

When we allow God’s desires to become our desires, he is faithful to show up at just the right time and in just the right way. He knows what we need far more than we do.

I can confidently say that God knows my heart far better than I do, and I truly believe that he was with us both during the entirety of the trip. I felt such an overwhelming peace throughout the entire trip that I don’t even know how to describe. Just from all of the details and logistics of the trip, to how much we enjoyed it, God’s favor was truly with us everywhere we went. Anyone who knows me well or keeps up with my journey knows that I have a pretty lengthy history with anxiety. There were so many instances where my anxiety could have flared up over the course of those three days, especially in a city as buzzing as NYC, but all I felt was God’s peace. It wasn’t until the last day when we nearly missed our flight, that anxiety threatened to turn my lungs to dust, and I am definitely not being dramatic (as I normally am). I gave myself a headache and extreme nausea from how anxious I became over the thought of missing our flight. Of course something like that would happen after the amazing time we had.

As I look back on that experience, I realize that we can’t always understand God’s ways, but we can trust in his goodness. We don’t have to have a reason for everything, but we can trust in him and look for his hand at work in what we consider to be the least likely of places. God doesn’t just want us to enjoy life, he wants us to enjoy life with him, and if we invite him to, he can absolutely take our ordinary circumstances and allow them to be infused with him, making them much more special. He can absolutely spark joy in the middle of our pain, allowing us to find joy in even the smallest of things. It wasn’t the trip or the concert that brought me the most joy—knowing that God was enjoying it with me was what brought me the most joy. Knowing that he cared about me enough to reassure me that he was with me there and absolutely in control of each moment brought me joy. He is so good and I am constantly in awe of the ways in which he chooses to show his great love for me.

I am learning to not discount the small moments because it is there that God wants to reveal himself to me, just as he wants to reveal himself to you. You can absolutely find joy right in the middle of where you are. You don’t have to travel to another city or fake a smile. Choosing joy doesn’t mean you discount your circumstances. Choosing joy in the middle of your circumstance means that you are choosing to acknowledge that Jesus is with you there—whether it be at a k-pop concert or in your room. He wants to make his presence known to you in each moment. When we acknowledge Jesus in those moments, it brings hope and healing to our souls. Not all at once, but those small moments are like the specks of dust that glimmer in the sunlight—scattered, but still there, creating something beautiful right in the middle of your pain. So acknowledge them today, because even though it hurts, those small moments are bringing more healing than you know, and when you look back on it all you’ll realize just how far you have come and how much you have grown. Look for joy, look for healing; I promise you that it’s there.

With grace,

Celina