Surrendering My Isaac

There are a lot of things I can't control. I can't control someone's misinformed perceptions of me. I can't control whether or not a job wants to hire me. I can't control the unexpected circumstances of life that are bound to happen. No matter how hard I try to carry myself a certain way, no matter how many job applications I fill out or how persistent I am, or no matter how perfectly I try to plan my day, I cannot control the final outcome.

As 2018 comes to an end, I've been reflecting a lot on this past year and trying to make sense of it. I've been learning a lot about surrender, yet at the same time I feel like I keep learning the same things over and over again. There is always something to surrender. I have to surrender my anxiety; I have to surrender the opinions other people have of me; I have to surrender my fear of not performing well at a particular task. There is so much that I cannot control no matter how desperately I may want to. I have learned that surrender is not a one time release, but a lifestyle that requires a daily release of what I can and cannot control. There may be certain things in my power that I can do, but ultimately, I have to surrender my efforts too. That doesn't mean I don't try. It just means that I don't determine my outcome based on my effort; my outcome is determined by the Lord's will alone. No matter how desperately I want something, ultimately, I must surrender those desires to Him and trust in Him to do what only He can do.

What does it mean to live in surrender?

2018 has definitely been a year of surrender for me. I have had to surrender my expectations, some of my dreams and even desires. A lot of the time we think surrendering our dreams and desires means giving up on those things. But God doesn’t call us to give up on our dreams, he calls us to surrender them to him. What does that look like? Well, I can't say what that looks like for you specifically. It requires a lot of reflection and prayer and the desire to please God more than pleasing yourself or anyone else. It's about wanting His will for your life far more than you desire your own plans or ways. I can, however, take a moment to get really raw and honest with you about my surrender story and hope that you will be encouraged to live out your own. But first, I want to highlight someone in the Bible who was willing to do whatever it took to make sure God took precedence in his life over anything and anyone else. His name is Abraham, and after waiting literal decades for God to finally grant him and his wife Sarah the desire of their hearts, it seemed as if God was trying to go back on his promise and take all of that away. He wasn't, though. Let's take a quick look at Abraham's story:

God spoke to Abraham “Take your son, your only son—yes, Isaac, whom you love so much—and go to the land of Moriah. Go and sacrifice him as a burnt offering on one of the mountains, which I will show you” (Genesis 22:2). Abraham, out of obedience, set out to do what God had asked of him. However, at the very last moment just as Abraham held the knife to his son Isaac, God sent an angel to stop him and provided a sacrificial ram at the altar instead. Why would someone be willing to do something so illogical if they didn't believe there would be a greater outcome? I have to believe that Abraham loved and trusted God more than he loved Isaac and trusted the outcome of the situation. He loved God, so he was obedient to God's request even though it didn't make sense. He trusted God more than he trusted his circumstance.

My story may be different, but I did have someone that I loved very dearly. So much so that I allowed them to become an idol in my life. I created these fantasies in my head that eventually poisoned my heart as my reality didn't live up to the unrealistic expectations I had created. Abraham's faith was tested on the mountain that day. He and Sarah prayed and believed for a son for so many years, and when God had finally answered, it almost seemed like a cruel joke for God to ask of Abraham what he did. You may be wondering why God would test Abraham in such a seemingly cruel way. But I think so often we become so consumed with our desires that when God finally answers our prayers, we forget about the God who allowed those things to happen in the first place. We make the promise greater than He who promised. Abraham could have argued with God and said "No. Absolutely not. This is MY son. I love him. I waited too long for this moment and you can't take him from me now." But he loved God more.

I don't doubt for one moment that the relationship we shared was something special and that God's hand was in it in each moment. I won't sit here and type out all of the reasons I believe that, but I will tell you that God used that relationship to refine both of us, and it was such a huge blessing for the season that it lasted. Unfortunately, that relationship grew unhealthy as I fixed my heart on a person more than I did on my God. I became so broken that the only way it could be fixed was if I allowed God to do something completely new. That meant me letting go of all I knew for all that would be, even if I didn't what that "would be" would be. Moving forward in that process has required living a lifestyle of surrender in every area of my life, starting with that relationship. That experience allowed me to be more mindful of other areas in my life where I was allowing my desires to take precedence over God's desires for me.

When I let go of that relationship it wasn't because I didn't love that person anymore and wanted nothing to do with them. Rather, it was the opposite. I let go of them because I loved them. So much so that it became unhealthy for me and began to cloud my judgment and emotional wellbeing. I didn't know how to express that to them at the time, but as God has continued to work in my heart during the healing process, he has revealed to me a lot of pain and unmet expectations that I had unintentionally projected on them and didn't even know were there. I had come to love from a place of brokenness rather than wholeness, which really isn't love at all. My misplaced affections led to a lot of heartache that both of us could have been spared from if I hadn't tried to take matters into my own hands. God didn't provide a substitutional ram in place when I had finally submitted in obedience and surrendered that relationship. However, he did provide more opportunities for me to surrender and be obedient in other areas of my life, which I honestly believe was a result of my obedience in that initial area as I continually surrendered the pain and my unmet expectation of God restoring that relationship. God may not have rewarded my obedience by restoring that relationship like he did with Abraham and Isaac, but he has been working in my heart as a result of it and rewarding my obedience in other ways. That's the funny thing about how God works. When you finally choose to surrender your expectations, he is faithful to show up in other ways, but if we are stuck holding on to our expectations, we will surely miss out on how he wants to move and bless us in other areas. When we make our ways greater than His, we fail to see how he is moving and redeeming our broken circumstances. I had to walk through a very painful season that has lasted several months. I am nowhere near where I was, but I know I have not yet arrived to where God is leading me. I trust that what is ahead is so much greater than anything I have left behind.

My obedience in a very painful season paved the way for the season I am in now. Surrender calls us to do things that don’t make sense. After I let go of that relationship, I only saw pain. I only felt death. I lamented over the loss of someone I cared for deeply. But there was a promise that God had spoken to me the moment I closed the door on that relationship. He promised me that he was doing a new thing. I didn’t understand what that meant at the time, but in the middle of my tears, I chose to continue living in surrender. I had to give it to God and trust that through my brokenness, he was making a way in a situation that seemed so dead, broken and impossible. It didn’t make sense to trust that God was redeeming my pain and restoring my broken heart, but he was. He called me out of that season through surrender. I surrendered my future. I surrendered my desires. I surrendered my plans. I realized that everything I was chasing after was meaningless if I didn’t have God at the center of it all. I wanted him more than what I thought I needed. The life I am living now doesn’t make sense. I stepped away from my career as a teacher to pursue full-time ministry for a season. I went from living on my own in another state to going back home and living with my parents. I turned down certain opportunities—things that had been on my heart for years—all because I wanted the Lord to teach me what it looked like to live a life of surrender. Your surrender doesn’t have to look like mine. You simply have to have a desire to make Jesus your everything and he’ll take care of the rest. Living a life of surrender is an upside down view of how we are expected to live. When you say “yes” to doing what doesn’t make sense, you will be blessed. I said “yes” to a season of interning for my school of ministry, and God has completely transformed my heart and drawn me toward him. I am constantly learning how to surrender and keep my eyes and heart fixed on him. When you let go of trying to have things your way, God will reveal things to you that you hadn’t even been searching for.

Are there areas in your life that you have been desperately longing for things to look different? I encourage you to bring those things to God today and invite him to have his way. You just might be surprised at what he intends to do with it, and it'll leave you feeling a lot more free when you choose to live with open hands, and a heart open to what God wants to do in your life. He wants to take those desperate places and breathe new life into them today. When you make his desires your desires, you will learn what it means to live free from the prison of unmet expectations.

You’ve gone into my future to prepare the way, and in kindness you follow behind me to spare me from the harm of my past. With your hand of love upon my life, you impart a blessing to me.

Psalm 139:5

With grace,

Celina