"Be still, my heart."

I repeat this to myself daily as my heart constantly becomes overwhelmed by an influx of emotions. Lately, it has been overwhelmed by the thought of having forty-one days left until I get to return home. My ten month term is coming to an end and soon I will get to return home to my friends and family. But as the days slowly tick by and I try not to think about how much time is left on the calendar, I find it that much harder to focus on my daily responsibilities. I know that i'm going home, I know when I get to go back home, but for some reason repeating the facts to myself does not seem to stop the desperation in my heart. I don't know how to accurately describe how heavy it weighs on my heart, but it does, severely so. Each day I carry the pain with me, and each day I must surrender, asking for strength to keep going, asking to be carried because I know I can't make it through on my own. Each day I write and I pray and I meditate on Scripture because I must walk through each day relying on the Lord to carry me. I knew going into this that it would require a trust in and dependence on the Lord like I had never experienced before, and no matter how hard or how easy things may seem to get, it must always be that way. I can never stop relying on the Lord to carry me because the moment I do, I will drown in those emotions. Pressing into the pain is how I will make it through. So while my heart grows weary, I acknowledge that it is only for a season and I don't have to let that pain overwhelm me.

I struggled a lot with the loneliness of being on my own in another state away from everything and everyone I know. Eventually, after about eight months in, and with a little over one remaining, I have reached a point where the loneliness doesn't really overwhelm me anymore, but I do feel done. Like I just want to be done here and go back home. Like I am ready for this season to end, but I don't want to overlook how important and crucial this season is to my growth. So I have to continually ask the Lord to help me be present in the now as He continues to carry me.

I have gone through so many changes physically and emotionally in these past nine months. I have lost things and people, but also gained. I walked into the new with a fresh perspective, but my heart has known such deep sorrow in the past nine months, something I was not expecting. And although I believe that what I am walking into next holds so much greater, that doesn't mean that it doesn't still hurt. While I know that I had to let go of some things in order to obtain the new, that doesn't mean that the heartache isn't still there from time to time. And I know that although i'll finally get to move back home soon, I know that I can't enter that place the same as before. Whatever has been going on in my heart over these past several months has been to prepare me for the new things that are yet to come.

I am choosing to be transparent about what has been going on in my heart over the past several months because so often we walk into change with conflicting emotions. We ask questions such as "should I be happy, excited, scared"? I walked into change ready to embrace it, which is not at all easy for me. At first I was overwhelmed, thinking I had misheard, thinking I was making the wrong decision. Then I became confident and was doing fine for a while, when all of a sudden as quickly as I had become confident, I grew excruciatingly homesick and that feeling of deep homesickness lasted for about five months. In the midst of that homesickness, I also experienced the loss of a very close friendship, which made being away from home that much harder. After that took place, for several weeks I showed up to my daily responsibilities with a heavy heart, although not without surrendering the pain each day, trusting that it would eventually get better. It got better in some moments and in others it hit me in sudden waves; from still waters to crashing waves just like that. I could physically feel the pain grip my heart, to the point where I could hardly make it through a day without crying on the floor because of how overwhelming the pain had been at the time. It felt as if something had broken inside of me. I tried so hard to imagine what a day without that pain would feel like. I had forgotten what it was like to walk around with a light heart rather than one ravaged by the heaviness that comes with loss. I was so broken and hurting over it,  simultaneously trusting that pain would not last, while also feeling the complete opposite in that moment.

There is so much that I can share about what the past nine months have been like, so much so that I could honestly write a book about it. But for now, I just want to share about how prevalent the pain of walking through the unfamiliar is, as well as the desperation of wanting to reach the places of promise in my heart. While the pain in my heart is very real, so is the God that I cling to each day. I can't list every single instance here, but in the midst of such a challenging season, I glimpse reminders of God's grace, faithfulness, and promises each day. He reminds me that He is with me. It may be through a moment where I am on my bed crying, clutching at my chest feeling as if someone is physically squeezing my heart, only to later on discover that while I was at home when I probably should have gone to small group, my sisters were gathered together in that room praying for me, and although I couldn't see or hear them doing so, my heart was being touched in that moment.  Or it may be while I am reading a devotional about God's peace, and in that same moment a dear friend is reading an entirely different devotional about God's peace, and then decides to screenshot it and send it to me not knowing that that morning I was dealing with anxiety and praying for the peace of God to cover me and fill my heart. I could write about so many more moments but the point is, moments like those come daily if I take the time to remember and acknowledge that I am never alone. Some days it's a whisper, and some days it's as audible as the words that move from my spirit to my pen to the paper as God speaks to me through my daily practice of writing. If I don't take the time to tune into His voice whether it be through Scripture, worship music, or listening to the voices of others who closely walk with the Lord daily, then I will surely miss out on that peace that most of us so desperately seek. The only way my heart can truly be still is if I take the time to be still in Him by pressing into His presence even when the pain threatens to overtake my heart . . . especially when the pain threatens to overtake my heart.

What is most important to remember is that your pain does not exclude your from the hope-filled promises of the future, and even the promises of the now. In fact, your pain has the power to propel you into the promises of the future if you would choose to take the bold step of facing it each day. Your strength is found not in ignoring the pain, but in acknowledging that it is there and choosing to overcome it by admitting that it's not going to be easy and you can't do it on your own. To overcome does not mean the pain or even the source of your pain is gone. To overcome means that you allow the pain to shape who you are rather than hold you back from what and who you can be. There is purpose in my pain and in yours, and

I hope that no matter what is causing you pain today, you would choose to face it rather than run away from it because that is what makes you brave.

With grace,

Celina